werd

"seems like everywhere I go, the more I see the less I know" Every day I get a little older. I feel like I know less with each passing day. A scary thought. I have more hope. I'm working on having less regrets. Understanding others and being understood would be a great start. I miss the hell out of some of my friends. I think it's a bit strange that in a lot of ways I'm stuck in the past. I've had growth, no change; I don't know how to move forward. I'm getting better. I need to be patient. I have faith. It's wavering at times though. I'm not entirely sure I'm in a great location for bettering my life but I also don't have much in the way of options. People here are kind but incredibly misguided. Though I'm sure that happens everywhere. I don't know. Keep me in your thoughts. I'd like to be better. I don't want to feel like I've been given up on. We shall see. Be well all.

your rhetoric is flawed sir

This isn't me trying to start a xanga revolution. Believe me, that concept in and of itself is laughable to me. I needed a place to speak my mind. Luckily the fact that no one reads these anymore essentially grants me anonymity. It's a beautiful thing. I'm 22. 23 next month. I'm homeless...........in a way. I haven't been enrolled in school for years. I've no regrets for that. I'm single. Again, for years; also no regrets. I very rarely speak to people from my past, save a few exceptions. I don't really talk to my family. Another bridge burned. All of this though is merely setup, an intro to who I am, which is silly...I know who I am, but perhaps someone will read this and will need some sort of explanation. I'm hardly recognizable to those who knew me when I actually frequented this sight. Years of heavy drinking and a healthy appetite for drug use will do that. I'm older. Grayer. More gaunt. Tired looking. I've lived. So for all that I do not despair. I've no desire to be in my late eighties, nor would I go back and change what I've done if given the chance. What I worry about now is my growing sadist/masochistic tendencies as well my growing difficulties with my memory; be it blackouts unrelated to drinking or this continuing sense of deja vu, like I can't place myself within my own life. Somehow I've got all the pieces but it's been shuffled around, I can't make sense of it. That worries me. My mind may be failing me. In more ways than one. Something I hope isn't true. There also a lack of a general direction for my life right now. Possibly given time that will pass, as all things do with the natural ebb and flow of life, but it certainly doesn't make this moment, the now, any less trying. Believe me, I'm not trying to whine, merely trying to voice my thougths. Be honest. Perhaps in doing so I can learn, be better, be whole. Til next time...

yes

As far as I can see...

of bondage and freedom

it's been quite some time since i've used this blog. generally i just vent on my myspace. here's a shameless plug. http://myspace.com/willrelient anyways i'm here at college still. i've decided to make a rather large change for my future. i'm done with acting i just can't take it anymore. i hate where i believe it's social arena will take me. i also want to shy away from my already prevalent self-serving attitudes and to be sure, acting is one of them. i also am scared to death of a lack of financial security. so currently i plan to major with spanish and nursing and a minor in theatre so as not to waste my entire first semester. after getting out of college i'd like to work at a hospital and earn some real experience while paying off my college debt. the eventual goal is to do well on my MKAT's and find a med school to enter and one day become a surgeon, possibly even in cosmetic sugery. some of you who read this, whoever you may be i'd like you to know i appreciate you. i know there may not be any of you, but if you are out there, i want you to know that i think of you when i write these posts. yes they are mostly just vents but i've been reading recent posts from someone i know and they lifted me up and perhaps my words can stir within someone's heart out there. i make no claims as great as to say i always have this effect but it is a possibility. so whoever you may be, thank you. you have brought me encouragement when i thought the wellspring of compassion in humanity had near depleted. until next time. i'd like you to know i am happy and i am making forward progress with my life.